Whether you probably did this new throwing or you were new dumpee, saying goodbye to the person you’re pretty sure was your soul mate hurts like hell. And while we’d like to think it’ll never happen to us,

is a major plot line in personal comedies, nation musical, and sugar-free gum commercials, so don’t worry-you’re not the only person trying to figure out how to get your ex back. It’s a popular trope for a reason, folks.

But before you intoxicated text message him/her or send them all the “12 Days of Christmas” gifts like in that episode of The office, you need to do a little internal work to figure out why things didn’t work out in the first place, explains sex educator Liz Powell, PsyD, author of Strengthening Discover Relationship . “Sometimes the timing was off, but sometimes a partner doesn’t work for us because we’re not a fit in general.”

Things like infidelity, betrayal, or a lack of trust are all pretty good reasons to keep your ex firmly in the past, says licensed ily therapist Payal Patel, no matter how hot/funny/a great in bed they are. “It’s much easier to focus on the best parts of a relationship when you’re not actually interacting with that person every day,” adds Powell, so you have to strip back those feel-good memories to really remember the root of your breakup before proceeding.

Also important to remember: “There are millions and millions of amazing people out there, so you don’t have to assume you’ve already met your other half,” says Powell. With tons of relationships applications and first-big date advice, don’t feel like you have to settle for a shitty ex just because you’re currently single.

But! For folks who simply cannot move an impact that your particular old boyfriend you will you should be the Jim for the Pam, we questioned a lot of matchmaking professionals all you have to imagine if you’re contemplating “making up ground” for the kids whose name is in your phone because Would Maybe not Text message. Discover very carefully, at least twice, prior to hitting up the previous fire.

step 1. Take a good look at yourself.

Earliest one thing very first: Grab good sec to genuinely look inwards-the audience is talking wants, demands, wants, and you may literal existence stage. You will find a distinction between getting back together which have anybody once the you are lonely and since you really love them, teaches you Patel. In fact, oftentimes, we obtain so shed in our own records away from what we should think would-be very theraputic for all of us that people do not indeed think whether it is practical, contributes Powell.

Do you recently begin another employment? In the center of a big work venture? Experiencing a unique loss of some other part of yourself? All of our thoughts try challenging, and sometimes be concerned in other section can also be affect our very own judgment. In addition to that, however it often leads that agree to something (eg seeking again with an ex) that you don’t now have the new rational or psychological power to deal with. Think of in the event you will be ready to be good, compliment spouse in advance of even provided reconnecting. If you cannot appear 100 percent today, there’s absolutely no reason for looking to reform a bond. Trust us, it’ll rescue people many heartbreak in the end.

2. Take a look at your existing matchmaking sitch.

Seeking to get back along with your ex boyfriend while you are solitary is something, but feeling that way if you’re dating people brand new is actually a great entire other. Fortunately, it’s fairly normal having *some* constant thoughts for the old boyfriend, even after you have shifted, Powell shows you. And people unexpected yearnings or happy thoughts commonly necessarily reasoning sufficient in order to DM your ex lover, they do say, nevertheless do need to consider just what capacity you’re considering your ex lover in the.