Whether you probably did this new throwing or you were new dumpee, saying goodbye to the person you’re pretty sure was your soul mate hurts like hell. And while we’d like to think it’ll never happen to us,

is a major plot line in personal comedies, nation musical, and sugar-free gum commercials, so don’t worry-you’re not the only person trying to figure out how to get your ex back. It’s a popular trope for a reason, folks.

But before you intoxicated text message him/her or send them all the “12 Days of Christmas” gifts like in that episode of The office, you need to do a little internal work to figure out why things didn’t work out in the first place, explains sex educator Liz Powell, PsyD, author of Strengthening Discover Relationship . “Sometimes the timing was off, but sometimes a partner doesn’t work for us because we’re not a fit in general.”

Things like infidelity, betrayal, or a lack of trust are all pretty good reasons to keep your ex firmly in the past, says licensed ily therapist Payal Patel, no matter how hot/funny/a great in bed they are. “It’s much easier to focus on the best parts of a relationship when you’re not actually interacting with that person every day,” adds Powell, so you have to strip back those feel-good memories to really remember the root of your breakup before proceeding.

Also important to remember: “There are millions and millions of amazing people out there, so you don’t have to assume you’ve already met your other half,” says Powell. With tons of relationships applications and first-big date advice, don’t feel like you have to settle for a shitty ex just because you’re currently single. (mais…)